The love We Crave
One of the most vulnerable things I’ve ever done was confront, and admit, my need for love.
For a lot of reasons, I learned very early in life to always be prepared to be alone. Be prepared to do it by yourself, for yourself, and with yourself.
Some of this was valuable, teaching me a lot about self-reliance and causing me to build many skills that I would not have otherwise been bothered to learn…and.
It taught me the subtle art of never trusting. Of always bracing for impact: for loss, for change, for disappointment.
It taught me to fear intimacy and closeness, as so many of us do.
I know several, if not all of us, learned at some point that love was not safe. That depending on others, expecting others to be reliable and good people, was very dangerous.
For many of us, at some point in our lives, this was very true.
The parent who never showed up.
The caregiver who showed up inconsistently.
The friend group who rejected and isolated us.
The partner who betrayed us.
The leadership who failed us.
The world who went cold on us.
So many of us have been burned after trusting, so it makes sense that we search for ways to prevent that pain from ever happening again.
The hard pill to swallow: we can’t.
We can’t avoid pain or disappointment.
We are humans having a human experience, and we will all hurt and be hurt.
We will all disappoint and be disappointed.
But, we do not have to remain stuck in our experiences of trauma, harm, hurt, or betrayal.
We can learn to stay safe in relationships so that we can reduce the likelihood of harm.
We can build resilience skills to manage disappointment that happens even if safe relational dynamics, so that we can sustain them.
Most safety involves other people, involves trust, involves vulnerability, involves change and uncertainty.
We want to stay in hiding and standing still, thinking it’s our safest place, when it’s just our most comfortable. In matters of the heart, we simply cannot avoid the risks that come with building connection.
Some things are worth the risk.
The relationships we deserve are worth the risk.
The experiences we desire are worth the risk.
The love we crave is worth the risk.
What are you willing to risk? Not your boundaries or your identity, we need those for love. But…
Could it be control?
Your sense of independence, your commitment to never need others?
Your 10-year plan that has no room for detours?
Your space, your fortress where you hide best?
Your comfort?
I wish you the space to re-evaluate what you are willing to let go of, in order to receive what you truly desire, and I wish you the courage to open your heart again.
I hope you are willing to take the risk.
I hope you know that you, and all you desire, are worth the risk.
Listen to Episode 4: the Fear of Intimacy to learn more, and remember to subscribe to the Seen Sunday newsletter.
