On loving from an empty heart

healing the mother wound, pt. 2

What does it feel like to love from an empty heart?

When I think about the wounds we received as young girls, I always think about the root of the pain: not receiving the love we needed and deserved.

In so many ways, I sum this emptiness up in the idea of being seen, because to be loved, you must first be seen. 

    Acknowledged, not just perceived.

    Known, not just noticed.

    Held, not just tolerated.

    Cared about, not just provided for.

    Cherished, not just appreciated.

This goes beyond blaming any one or any group of people who failed to meet those needs. While that’s an important truth, the reality remains that it’s now up to us to get those needs met. 

And that is no easy task, especially when we are loving from an empty well. 

     How do we truly open up to others without a soft space to land?

     How do we truly allow ourselves to be known without a safe compass back to ourselves?

     How do we recognize home in another when we are clueless to the home within? 

We must first unlearn one of the most painful messages that early life wounds leave behind: that you must give completely of yourself, that you must give perfectly of yourself, in order to receive anything. 

And, I mean, we learned that we must give up every ounce of ourselves, in order to maybe, kinda, sorta get what we need in return. 

There’s an ironic gift when we unlearn this. 

     When we stop emptying ourselves for love, we actually feel more full.

     When we stop practicing perfectionism, we actually feel good enough.

     When we stop searching for what’s missing, we unlock the door to everything we need.

Because when we approach life with trust that we are already worthy, imperfections and emptiness and all, then…

‍ ‍We soften.

We open. 

We allow. 

We are open enough to show up in our lives in ways that invite connection, creativity, and constancy. We relax enough to say hello to people we once assumed wouldn’t like us, and create surprising new friendships. We apply for roles we once thought we weren’t good enough for, opening the door to the expansion we desire. We start projects. We start moving our bodies. We start exploring. 

 We begin again.

 We begin anew.

My hope for you: I hope you try on the feeling of worthiness.

Just try it on for size. Test it out. Wonder deeply, curiously, openly: what would it be like if I didn’t start from empty? What would it be like if I lived with the knowing that I am already worthy?

Just because we’ve gone without, does not mean that we are not worthy. 

When we stop identifying with our losses, we can reconnect with the truth of what’s left, and what was always there. 

Episode 30 is labeled as coming from the mother wound, but it truly tells the story of any wound. This episode explores how the woundings we carried, and what we didn’t receive, leaves a heavy mark on our relationships today. And, that we can shift this. That we can look at our patterns much differently now, and grow with and beyond them. That we can start this journey at any moment. And that we do not have to be “full” to be loved. 

I hope you spend some time with these musings today, and maybe revisit the first part of this message. I hope it fills your cup today, and always.